A  Tenderfoot 


Southern  California 


B  Y 

M.D.YESLAH 


A   TENDERFOOT 

IN   SOUTHERN    CALIFORNIA 


14  <U  £»<LM 


A   TENDERFOOT 

IN   SOUTHERN   CALIFORNIA 


BY 

M.  D.  YESLAH  c 


NEW    YORK 
PRINTED    FOR    THE    AUTHOR 

By 

J.  J.  LITTLE  &  IVES  CO. 
1908 


COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BV 
M.  D.  HALSEY 

All  rights  reserved 


? 


This  is  an  autograph  edition 
of  "A  Tenderfoot  in  Southern 
California,"  the  number  of  this 
copy  being .7..5.8..Q 


</ 


TO   GENE 


And  to  the  thousands  of  Angels  (without 
wings)  who  are  contentedly  floating  through 
life  out  in  God's  country,  and  to  the  thousands 
who  live  in  hopes  of  some  day  doing  likewise, 
I  dedicate  this  little  book. 


FOREWORD 

Much  has  been  written  about  California,  and 
Southern  California  in  particular,  as  the  native 
or  the  average  citizen  sees  it.  To  the  tourist, 
spending  the  winter  in  this  garden  spot,  many 
little  occurrences  happen  daily,  that  pass  un- 
noticed by  those  living  here,  and  to  this  end, 
this  small  volume  is  offered  in  memory  of  the 
many  joys  and  trials  combined,  experienced  by 
one  of  the  ever-present  Tenderfeet. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PACE 

/.  A  Flea  Bitten  Tenderfoot       ...  13 

//.    When  it  Rains 21 

///.    Auctions 29 

IV.    Pasadena 37 

V.  When  East  Comes  West ....  49 

VL    Los  Angeles  Streets 55 

VII.    Mt.  Lowe 65 

VIII.    Theaters 71 

IX.  Through  Tourists*  Glasses     .      .      .  79 

X.  Hollywood  and  Baldwin* s  Ranch      .  87 

XI.    California   Tarns 93 

XII.    Bargain  Sales IOI 

XIII.  Arrowhead  Hot  Springs   .      .      .      .ill 

XIV.  Some     Things    I    Bought     in     Los 

Angeles 117 

XV.    Just  Dreaming 125 

XVI.    Catalina  Island 139 

XVII.    Homesick 147 


A    FLEA    BITTEN    TENDERFOOT 


CHAPTER    I 


HEN  I  came  out 
to  California,  Bill, 
some  blamed  idiot  who  knew 
it  all,  advised  me  what  to  bring. 
He  said — (and  I'll  bet  my 
old  pair  of  suspenders  he  never  saw 
California)  says  he, 

"  Dont  take  any  winter  clothes  out 
there  with  you,  its  such  a  hot  coun- 
try you  wont  need  'em." 

Wall,  I  didnt,  and  by  gum,  I  like 
to  froze  to  death. 

13 


'   A'  t  END  E  RFO  OT 

;  All  I  had  in  that  blamed  trunk  of 
mine  was  some  peek-a-boo  underwear 
and  drop  stitched  stockings. 

I  wore  a  summer  suit  and  a  straw 
hat  out  on  the  train,  to  keep  cool, 
and  was  snow  bound  on  the  way  to 
Los  Angeles,  and  frost  bitten,  by  gum, 
after  I  got  here.  It  sure  was  a  cold 
night  when  we  pulled  in,  and  as  the 
train  was  four  or  five  hours  late,  I 
footed  it  up  town,  to  a  hotel. 

I  didnt  put  up  at  Mr.  Alexandria's 
or  the  Van  Noose,  as  I  heard  on  the 
train  they  charged  you  extra  to  blow 
your  nose,  if  you  stopped  there.  So 
I  found  a  room  on  Main  Street 
(which  is  nothing  to  be  proud  of) 
and  the  landlady  hollered  after  me, 
as  I  went  up  the  stairs,  not  to  blow 
out  the  gas. 

14 


A    TENDERFOOT 

I  didnt. 

By  gum,  I  was  so  stiff  with  the 
cold,  I  kept  it  burning  all  night  to 
melt  the  icicles  I  knew  must  be 
hanging  to  the  end  of  my  nose. 
There  was  only  one  measley  pair  of 
summer  blankets  on  that  bed,  and 
the  pillows  were  so  small,  I  came 
blamed  near  losing  'em  in  my  ear 
before  morning. 

I  went  to  bed  with  all  my  clothes 
on,  and  the  rest  of  the  night  I  laid 
there  and  shook  until  I  jarred  the 
bed,  and  some  fellar  who  had  a  room 
under  mine,  pounded  on  the  ceiling, 
and  told  me  to  make  less  noise  up 
there. 

I  couldnt  help  it — the  slats  in  the 
old  bed  were  loose  and  rattled,  any 
way. 

15 


A    TENDERFOOT 

If  ever  I  was  lonesome,  Bill,  and 
wanted  to  go  home,  I  did  that  night. 

It  wasnt  because  I  was  alone, 
either — no,  not  that,  for  I'll  bet  I 
held  up  over  one  hundred  fleas  in 
different  sections  of  that  bed  and  on 
me,  before  morning,  and  every  one 
of  'em  was  as  big  as  a  rat. 

Now  of  course  I  dont  really  mean 
to  say  that  they  were  that  big,  but 
by  gum,  they  looked  so  to  me  that 
night.  You  know  I  never  saw  a 
real,  healthy,  hustling  California  flea 
before.  I  could  see  their  eyes  shine 
as  they  looked  at  me,  and  I'll  swear 
some  of  'em  had  on  glasses  and  car- 
ried lanterns  so  they  could  find  me 
easier. 

There  were  old  gray  beards  among 
'em  that  had  voted  for  years,  and  I'll 

16 


A    TENDERFOOT 

bet  hadnt  had  a  square    meal   since 
the  last  tenderfoot  slept  in  that  bed. 

I  found  out  afterwards,  that  they 
dont  bite  the  natives — skins  are  too 
thick — but  a  real  tender,  juicy  down 
caster,  is  as  much  of  a  treat  to  'em, 
as  a  porterhouse  steak  is  in  a  bum 
boarding  house. 


WHEN    IT    RAINS 


CHAPTER   II 


HERE   are  three 
things  in  Califor- 
nia that  are  different  from  the 
same  three  things  any  where 
yf!  else  pn  earth. 
They  are  sunshine,  moonshine,  and 
rain.      I   might  add  the  biggest  liars 
for  the  fourth,  but   that    is   another 
story. 

I've  seen  it  rain  some  in  my  time, 
but  by  gum,  when  it  rains  in  Cali- 
fornia, its  got  all  the  rest  of  the 


21 


A    TENDERFOOT 

country  skinned  to  death.  Where 
one  drop  lights  on  you  in  a  back  east 
rain-storm,  a  bucketful  strikes  you  in 
the  same  spot,  out  here. 

It  rains  in  sheets,  in  blankets,  and 
in  comforters,  and  then  some.  Every 
drop  certainly  must  be  a  comforter, 
for  you  never  saw  people  so  tickled 
to  death  over  a  rain-storm  as  these 
Californians  are. 

Every  blamed  man,  woman  and 
child,  acts  like  they'd  struck  a  gold 
mine  in  their  own  back  yard. 

The  kids  dance  up  and  down  and 
cry,  "Now  we  can  get  our  red 
wagons " ;  the  wife  will  smile  and 
say,  "  This  will  bring  the  automobile 
the  old  man  promised  me  ",  and  the 
old  man — if  he's  a  farmer,  he's  out 
talking  it  over  with  his  nearest 


22 


A    TENDERFOOT 

neighbor,  both  of  'em  soaking  wet, 
but  with  a  smile  that  wont  wash  off 
and  crying  out,  "  Bully,  bully,  keep 
it  up,  keep  it  up  !  Its  raining  dollars, 
every  drop."  If  he's  a  store  keeper, 
he  is  smiling  and  nodding  to  every 
one  who  comes  into  the  store,  rub- 
bing his  hands  together  all  the  while, 
for  it  means  "Dollars"  in  big  letters 
to  each  and  every  one  of  'em.  Thats 
why  they  are  so  happy. 

They  aint  out  here,  any  of  'em, 
for  their  health,  altho  many  a  one 
has  found  it. 

Health  is  laying  around  loose  any- 
where in  Southern  California.  Its 
here  in  chunks,  and  if  you've  got  life 
enough  in  you  to  draw  a  long  breath, 
you  wont  have  to  draw  very  many, 
before  you  begin  to  realize,  they 
23 


A    TENDERFOOT 

taste  different,  and  make  you  feel 
like  a  kid  back  in  school  days  when 
you  played  hookey  and  went  fishing. 

California  air  kinder  gets  you  all 
over.  Your  musty  old  lungs  aint  had 
such  a  treat  in  all  their  life  before, 
and  they  are  already  beginning  to 
open  up  and  grow  larger,  same  as 
everything  else  does  in  California. 

And  when  after  one  of  these  glo- 
rious rains,  the  sun  comes  out — I 
mean  the  real  California  sunshine, 
not  a  blinking,  watery-eyed  sun, 
peeking  around  the  corner  of  a  cloud, 
and  then  dodging  back  for  fear  some 
one  saw  it — (the  back  home  kind) — 
no  sir-ree,  I  mean  the  real  thing  that 
just  beams  on  you,  and  throws  a  shine 
over  everything  until  your  eyes  hurt, 
and  you  wonder  if  it  aint  made  of 
24 


A    TENDERFOOT 

different  stuff  than  the  kind  you  left 
back  east  in  Illinois. 

It  makes  the  trees  come  back  to 
life  and  grow  young  again,  the  flowers 
open  up  in  brighter  colors  than 
before,  and  the  hills  are  carpeted 
with  green  velvet,  as  far  as  the  eye 
can  reach. 

And  a  funny  feeling  comes  creep- 
ing over  you — they've  all  got  it  out 
here — but  for  the  life  of  me,  I  cant 
describe  it  to  you.  You'll  have  to 
come  out  and  feel  it  for  yourself, 
Bill. 


AUCTIONS 


CHAPTER    III 


MUST  say  I  never 
saw  such  a  town 
for    having    auctions    as    Los 
Angeles. 

For  a  fact,  I  counted  nine- 
teen auctions  one  night  on  the  two 
main  streets  inside  of  eight  blocks. 

Most  of  'em  were  Japs  selling  out, 
going  home,  they  said,  but  inside  of  a 
week,  these  same  fellows  were  having 
an  "  Opening  "  giving  away  presents, 
further  up  town  in  another  block. 
29 


A    TENDERFOOT 

They  aint  the  only  heathens  selling 
out  in  that  town,  either. 

One  night  when  I  was  bumming 
around  town  I  just  naturally  strolled 
into  a  jewelry  auction. 

That  auctioneer  was  sure  a  dandy. 
He  sold  those  suckers — (men  suckers 
I  mean) — solid  gold  watches  for 
$1.95  guaranteed. 

There  were  plenty  of  women 
suckers  there ;  yep,  bunches  of  'em, 
and  they  bit  harder  than  any  man  in 
the  crowd. 

They  bid  as  high  as  five  cents  at  a 
jump,  and  bid  right  over  their  own  bids, 
until  the  auctioneer  tickled  so  hard,  he 
had  to  blow  his  nose  to  hide  the  laugh. 
His  face  was  as  red  as  a  beet,  and 
he  nearly  busted  holding  in,  while 
he  kept  on  saying, 
30 


A    TENDERFOOT 

"  Lady,  dont  let  it  get  away  from 
you  for  only  half  a  dime.  If  you 
cant  use  it  for  cake  spoon,  you  can 
use  it  to  spank  the  baby  with." 

Then  some  reckless  woman  would 
risk  five  cents  more,  and  get  it. 

Mebbe  when  she  counted  out  her 
change,  it  was  all  in  nickels  and 
dimes,  and  the  old  pocketbook  was 
busted  at  both  ends  and  mighty  flat 
in  the  middle,  but  she  held  her  head 
high  as  she  sailed  out  of  the  store, 
with  a  silver  plated  baby  spanker, 
and  ten  chances  to  one,  she  was  an 
old  maid,  with  no  immediate  pros- 
pects. 

But    there    were    others    in    that 

crowd — not  old  maids,  but  suckers. 

Yep,  he   hooked  me,  all    right,  and 

before  I  knew  it,  I  had  paid  $1.75 

31 


A    TENDERFOOT 

for  a  genuine  diamond  scarf  pin  as 
big  as  a  marble  and  just  about  as 
brilliant. 

I  met  Jones  as  I  came  out  of  the 
auction,  and  as  he  had  been  lingering 
in  Jim  Jeffries  Saloon  (all  in  big 
electric  lighted  letters)  I  could  plainly 
see  that  a  few  more  smiles  on  his 
part,  would  make  that  diamond  scarf- 
pin  I  had  just  bought,  look  like  Jef- 
fries sign  on  a  foggy  night. 

Yep,  they  have  fog  in  Los  Angeles. 

The  Angels  will  tell  you  its  "  Un- 
usual," but  by  gum,  it  fogs  so  hard 
here  sometimes,  that  you  have  to 
follow  the  car  tracks  to  find  your 
way  home. 

I  had  to  pay  for  several  glasses  of 
"  Oh-be-joyful,"  before  I  could  con- 
vince Jones  that  he  needed  that 
32 


A    TENDERFOOT 

diamond  scarf-pin  the  worst  way, 
and  I  obliged  him  by  taking  in  ex- 
change, a  sore-eyed  bull  pup,  he'd 
bought  on  a  street  corner  that  after- 
noon, that  was  two-thirds  fox  terrier 
and  the  other  part  mule. 


33 


PASADENA 


CHAPTER    IV 


N  Pasadena,  mean- 
ing  "  Crown   of 
the  Valley,"  they  have  a  street 
called  Orange  Grove  Avenue. 

I  dont  know  why. 
I    didnt    see    any    orange    groves 
when  I  drove  through  there. 

The  avenue  is  also  called  "Mil- 
lionaires Row,"  and  "A  Mile  of 
Millionaires,"  for  there  are  more  mil- 
lionaires on  that  avenue,  than  any  other 
street  of  its  length  in  the  country. 

37 


A    TENDERFOOT 

The  houses  are  certainly  mighty 
fine — the  fat  pocketbook  of  the 
owners  giving  free  rein  to  the  build- 
ers of  the  castles,  and  the  glorious 
sunshine  of  Southern  California,  doing 
the  rest,  in  the  way  of  flowers  and 
beautiful  lawns. 

Yep,  I  paid  a  dollar  a  head  for 
one  of  those  two  horse  rigs  that  stand 
four  deep  at  every  street  corner  and 
nail  a  tourist  the  minute  he  steps  off 
the  street  car.  You  know,  Califor- 
nians  seem  to  know  us,  I  dont  know 
why — mebbe  we  look  easy,  or  again 
mebbe  its  the  cut  of  our  trousers — 
still,  they  spot  a  woman  tourist  just  as 
easy,  so  of  course  that  cant  be  the 
reason,  because — well,  any  way,  they 
catch  a  tenderfoot  with,  "  Carriage  to 
all  the  interesting  parts  of  the  City, 
38 


A    TENDERFOOT 

sir,"  and  its  dollars  to  peanuts,  some 
female  in  the  crowd  will  roll  her 
eyes  at  you  and  say,  "  Oh,  what  a 
lovely  day  for  a  drive,"  and  its  all  off. 

So  you  dump  your  overcoat,  and 
your  kodak  and  your  lunch  basket 
and  your  umbrella,  and  a  bunch  of 
wilted  poppies,  you've  been  carting 
around  for  two  solid  hours  (to  please 
some  fool  woman  who  "just  couldnt 
resist  gathering  the  beautiful  things") 
you  dump  all  of  these  into  the  nearest 
rig  and  also  four  or  five  hard  earned 
dollars  into  the  driver's  pocket,  and 
set  back  and  make  a  bluff  at  enjoying 
yourself. 

Speaking  of  California  poppies. 
Of  course,  as  I  say,  after  you've  carted 
a  wilted  bunch  around  for  a  few 
hours,  you  aint  much  stuck  on  ' 

39 


A    TENDERFOOT 

but  without  a  doubt,  they  are  the 
finest  wild-flower,  the  sun  ever  blos- 
somed out. 

In  color  and  shape  they  look  like 
our  eastern  buttercup,  only  their  color 
is  a  brighter  orange,  and  one  flower 
is  as  big  as  twenty  of  'em  put  to- 
gether. 

And  say,  Bill,  when  you  look 
ahead  of  you,  up  on  the  side  of  a 
little  sloping  hill,  at  the  foot  of  the 
mountains,  and  see  a  solid  carpet  of 
these  flowers  as  big  as  a  city  block, 
and  bigger — it  kinder  makes  you 
draw  a  long  breath,  and  feel  funny 
inside. 

You    know    the    feeling    you    get 

when  some  one  flings  the  old  "Stars 

and  Stripes  "  out  in  a  good  stiff"  breeze 

—you  know  Bill,  something  kinder 

40 


A    TENDERFOOT 

like  geese  pimples  go  scooting  up 
your  backbone  and  end  in  the  roots 
of  your  hair — well,  thats  the  same 
feeling  that  nabs  you  when  you  get 
your  first  sight  of  a  California  poppy 
field.  Like  a  hungry  kid  in  a  pie 
factory,  your  eyes  get  bigger  and 
bigger  as  you  drop  down  in  a  field 
of  these  golden  blossoms,  and  pick 
and  pick  and  keep  on  picking,  hurry- 
ing as  fast  as  you  can,  for  fear  the 
other  fellar  will  get  a  bigger  bunch 
than  you  do.  There  aint  no  strings 
on  'em — you're  welcome  to  pick  all 
you  can  carry  away. 

This  last  dont  apply  to  the  golden 
beauties  on  trees — California  oranges. 
To  these  you  are  not  welcome,  not 
even  if  it  would  give  you  the  pleasure 
of  saying  "you  picked  them  off  the 
41 


A    TENDERFOOT 

trees  yourself,"  which  means  a  whole 
lot  to  an  easterner,  who  only  sees 
oranges  wrapped  up  in  tissue  paper, 
for  sale  back  home. 

You  know,  its  a  surprise  to  me 
that  these  Californians  who  are  eter- 
nally hooping  up  the  glorious  climate, 
on  paper  and  otherwise,  and  spending 
a  whole  lot  of  money  shipping  East 
printed  folders  by  the  carload,  to  get 
the  California  Bee,  buzzing  in  your 
head,  until  you'd  almost  give  the 
farm  away  to  get  rid  of  it — you  want 
to  go  to  California  so  bad — you 
know,  its  a  wonder  to  me  that  some 
of  the  fellars  that  have  the  most  say 
so  in  the  Angel  City,  dont  buy  an 
orange  grove  at  some  bargain  sale 
price,  and  allow  all  tourists  holding 
return  tickets  East,  the  privilege  of 
42 


A    TENDERFOOT 

going  into  a  real  orange  grove  and 
picking,  say,  half  a  dozen  oranges, 
all  by  themselves. 

That  would  be  the  biggest  adver- 
tisement Los  Angeles  ever  dreamed 
of,  and  it  would  beat  reading  over  a 
lot  of  some  other*  fellars  ideas,  all  to 
holler. 

New  Years  day  I  went  over  to 
Pasadena  to  the  Tournament  of  Roses. 
This  is  a  "  doings  "  held  in  the  Crown 
City  every  year,  and  the  natives  and 
tourists  for  miles  around  come  to 
admire  the  show.  Just  why  it  is 
called  the  Tournament  of  Roses,  I 
dont  know.  To  be  sure,  there  are 
some  roses,  more  carnations,  and 
mostly  geraniums.  But  right  here 
let  me  say  that  the  geraniums  in 
California,  are  the  finest  flowers  you 

43 


A    TENDERFOOT 

ever  set  eyes  on.  By  gum,  they  are 
prettier  than  half  the  roses  back 
home,  for  the  bunches  of  blossoms 
on  each  stalk  are  as  big  as  my  two 
fists,  and  the  color  of  'em  is  away 
beyond  anything  I  can  describe  to  you. 

A  hedge  of  these  scarlet  beauties 
beat  a  hedge  of  bum  roses  any  time 
and  any  where,  even  back  home  in 
Illinois. 

Them's  my  sentiments,  only  dont 
let  the  editor  of  the  home  paper  get 
hold  of  it,  Bill. 

I  owe  him  a  little  money  and  I 
dont  want  to  get  him  riled  up. 

The  floats  were  all  right,  and  some 
pretty  girls,  a  few,  were  mixed  in 
among  the  flowers,  but  Los  Angeles 
flowers  and  Los  Angeles  girls  knock 
'em  all  to  holler. 

44 


A    TENDERFOOT 

The  Tournament  or  the  flowers 
or  the  girls  aint  a  smell  side  of  the 
Fiesta  the  Angel  City  hands  out  to 
visitors  each  year  in  May.  It's  the 
prettiest  thing  you  could  ever  dream 
about,  Bill,  and  that  aint  no  printed 
folder  talk  either. 

I've  seen  two  of  'em  and  hope  to 
see  a  good  many  more  before  I  die. 
In  some  few  ways  Pasadena  is  ahead 
of  Los  Angeles.  Its  the  only  spot 
in  the  country  whose  citizens,  as  a 
whole,  think  there  is  no  place  like 
it.  A  while  back  they  had  a  revival 
meeting  in  town. 

There  was  a  good  sized  attendance 
and  after  they  had  all  got  pretty  well 
worked  up,  the  preacher  shouted, 
"Now  all  you  folks  that  want  to  go 
to  Heaven,  stand  up." 

45 


A    TENDERFOOT 

All  jumped  to  their  feet,  except 
one  little  fellar,  who  stuck  his  hands 
in  his  pockets,  and  kept  his  seat. 

The  preacher  looked  at  him  mighty 
hard  and  called  out, 

"Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  you 
dont  want  to  go  to  Heaven?" 

"Nope,"  he  answered,  "Pasadena 
is  good  enough  for  me." 

And  that  is  about  the  way  they  all 
feel  that  live  here — good  enough  for 
them. 

I  heard  one  of 'em  say  once  he'd 
rather  be  a  California  jackrabbit,  than 
a  New  York  millionaire. 


46 


WHEN    EAST    COMES    WEST 


CHAPTER    V 


HE  N.  E.  A.  was 
out  here  a  year 
or  so  ago,  and  they  certainly 
had  a  great  time.  They  were 
all  in  on  anything  that  was 
free,  and  almost  everything  was  open 
to  them,  and  no  questions  asked.  A 
fellar  that  runs  a  tamale  wagon  told 
me  a  good  story  about  them  while 
they  were  here,  and  I'll  tell  it  to  you. 
A  bunch  of  women  members  went 
into  a  cheap  popular  resturant,  where 

49 


A    TENDERFOOT 

a  full  meal  is  only  ten  cents.  The 
leader  told  the  boss,  as  about  seven 
of  them  filed  in,  that  they  were 
"tourists." 

"Needn't  a  told  me,"  he  grunted. 

"And  we  are  here  with  the  N.  E. 
A.,"  was  added. 

.  "Sure,"  he  said,  without  taking 
any  interest. 

"  We  would  like  to  patronize  your 
resturant,"  she  continued. 

"  All  right,"  he  said,  looking  out 
of  the  window. 

"We  shall  remain  here  about  two 
weeks,  and  if  we  come  here  we  would 
like  to  get  rates." 

"  Rates  ?     On    a   ten    cent    meal  ? 

Soup,  meat,  vegetables,  ice  cream  and 

coffee?     Say  woman,  I've  seen  cheap 

guys  in  pants,  but  a  female  what  will 

50 


A    TENDERFOOT 

ask  for  rates  in  a  ten  cent  hash  house, 
is  the  limit.  You  beat  the  female 
that  came  in  here  yesterday,  and  told 
the  waitress  that  she  came  out  here 
with  a  ten  dollar  bill  and  only  one 
undershirt,  and  she  didnt  intend  to 
change  either  one  of  'em  until  she 
got  home.  Rates  on  a  ten  cent 
meal  ?  Nix  !  Vamoose !  "  and  they 
were  glad  to  vamoose,  which  means 
"  hike  "  in  California,  Bill. 


51 

V 


LOS    ANGELES    STREETS 


CHAPTER    VI 


GOT    into     Los 
Angeles  in  ample 
time  to  go  through  their  an- 
nual tearing  up  period. 

You  know,  there  is  some- 
thing funny  about  this.  Just  as  soon 
as  winter  comes,  Los  Angeles  begins 
to  tear  up  its  streets  from  one  end  to 
the  other. 

All  summer  long,  when  mighty 
few  strangers  are  in  town,  there  is 
nothing  doing.  But  just  as  sure  as 

55 


A    TENDERFOOT 

fine  sunshiny  weather  begins,  then  an 
army  of  dagos  and  greezers  march 
forth,  and  proceed  to  dig  up  every 
blamed  street  in  town. 

It  is  just  the  same,  year  in  and 
year  out.  Its  got  to  be  a  joke  with 
the  tourists,  for  Los  Angeles  wouldnt 
look  natural  to  'em,  when  they  come 
out  to  spend  the  winter,  if  the  whole 
shopping  district  wasnt  well  nigh  im- 
passable. 

They  will  finish  putting  down  a 
macadamized  street  one  day,  and  by 
jingo,  during  the  following  night,  I'll 
be  hanged  if  some  fellar  hasnt  figured 
out  how  to  tear  it  up.  Needn't  take 
my  word  for  it,  Bill. 

Here's  another  fellar  kicking 
through  the  columns  of  a  Los 
Angeles  paper. 

56 


A    TENDERFOOT 

SPEED    THE    DAY! 

Will  there  ever  come  a  season, 
When  the  workmen  will  abstain 

From  ripping  loose  the  asphalt 
On  Broadway,  Spring  and  Main? 

Speed  the  happy,  gladsome  morning, 
When  with  joy  our  brimming  cup 

Will  slop  over,  with  this  edict: 


DO   NOT   TEAR 

THIS 
PAVEMENT    UP! 


After  you've  cussed  yourself  sick, 
trying  to  squirm  your  way  under 
horses'  noses  and  women's  four-story 
hats — falling  over  a  couple  of  hun- 
dred little  wooden  saw-horses  the 
workmen  stick  up  any  old  place  in 
the  middle  of  the  street,  while  they 
patch  up  a  few  dozen  holes — go  and 
hire  an  automobile  at  $4.00  per  hour 

57 


A    TENDERFOOT 

( — yep,  the^  soak  you  that  much  in 
the  Angel  City)  and  take  a  ride  out 
into  the  country  or  through  the 
beautiful  residence  portion  of  the 
town. 

The  country  and  residence  por- 
tion is  all  right — glorious  sunshine  and 
views,  and  the  finest,  clearest  air  that 
ever  dusted  out  the  cobwebs  in  your 
lungs,  but  suffering  Peter,  the  roads 
— the  roads ! !  Bill,  I  never  worked 
so  hard  and  paid  $4.00  an  hour  for 
the  privilege  of  doing  so,  in  all  my 
life — never ! 

We  hit  every  chuck  hole  from 
Pasadena  to  the  ocean.  Now,  when 
I  tell  you  this,  it  means  a  whole  lot 
more  to  me,  than  it  does  to  you,  for 
it  is  a  sore  subject  to  look  back  on,  I 
tell  you. 

58 


A    TENDERFOOT 

They     have     more     varieties     of 
"  Bully vards"    around    Los   Angeles, 
than  that  man  Heinz  has  pickles— 
57  varieties  wouldnt  cover  'em. 

There  are  little  holes  and  big  holes, 
long  holes  and  short  holes,  holes  you 
fall  in  all  over,  and  the  kind  you 
pull  in  after  you,  on  your  way  down. 
There  are  mud  holes,  water  holes,  oil 
holes,  dust  holes,  in  fact,  Bill,  every 
known  variety  of  chuck  holes  you 
ever  thought  of,  can  be  found  in  and 
around  Los  Angeles. 

And  mud? 

You  have  to  spell  the  Los  Angeles 
kind  M-u-d-d,  to  have  anyone  half 
realize  the  meaning  of  the  word. 

Some  of  the  wholesale  streets  of 
Los  Angeles  can  boast  of  mud  that 
will  reach  the  hub  of  any  ordinary 

59 


A    TENDERFOOT 

wagon,     Aliso,     Alameda     and     Los 
Angeles  Streets  being  the  worst. 

The  Suburban  cars  have  to  pass 
through  these  streets,  on  the  way  to 
Los  Angeles.  I  heard  a  native  and  a 
tenderfoot  talking  on  a  Pasadena  car 
one  day,  while  the  car  was  going 
through  Aliso  street. 

The  native  was  telling  what  a  great 
and  wonderful  city  Los  Angeles  was 
—all  true,  every  word  of  it. 

While  he  was  talking,  he  happened 
to  get  a  side  view  of  the  quiet  listen- 
ers face.  He  saw  that  his  eyes  and 
mouth  were  wide  open  in  amazement 
at  the  numerous  mud-stuck  wagons  by 
the  side  of  the  road,  and  quickly  said, 

"You  see,  we  Californians    never 
dreamed  Los  Angeles  would  be  such  a 
big  city — never  dreamed  it !  " 
60 


A    TENDERFOOT 

And  the  little  fellar  answered, 
"Wall,  stranger,  its  about  time  for 
some  one  to  box  your  ears  and  tell 
you  to  wake  up." 


61 


MT.  LOWE 


CHAPTER   VII 


S  all  tenderfeet  are 
expected  to  do,  I 
took  the  trip  up  Mt.  Lowe. 
Its  all  right,  that  trip  is,  ex- 
?.  cept  that  it  makes  you  feel 
that  if  you  ever  get  down  on  the  level 
again  you'll  go  to  church  a  little 
oftener,  and  be  prepared  for  the  next 
world. 

By  gum,  there  are  spots  on   that 
trip,  and  then  some! 

I   went  up   with   a  fellar    named 
65 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Smith,  and  as  we  got  half  way  up 
that  blamed  incline,  I  got  to  thinking 
pretty  hard. 

You  see,  Bill,  at  the  bottom  of 
that  incline,  there's  a  solid  wall  of 
rock,  fifty  feet  high,  not  more  than 
twenty-five  feet  from  where  those 
cable  cars  stop. 

Yes-sir-ree,  I  got  to  thinking  that 
if  anything  busted,  and  we  shot  back 
down  hill,  they  would  never  be  able 
to  tell  which  was  me  and  which  was 
Smith  when  they  gathered  us  up  to 
ship  back  East  in  the  baggage  car. 

You  bet  I  kept  my  mouth  shut 
and  I  guess  I  held  my  breath  too, 
for  someway  I  kinder  felt  that  too 
much  laughing  and  loud  talking 
would  jar  that  dinky  car  and  mebbe 
loosen  something. 

66 


A    TENDERFOOT 

I  was  mighty  glad  when  I  reached 
level  ground  at  the  top  of  the  incline. 

Then  began  a  foot  race  for  another 
dinky  car,  a  bobbed  tail  electric  this 
time,  that  takes  you  on  further  up 
the  mountain  to  Mt.  Lowe.  There 
were  about  seventy-five  people  all 
trying  at  once  to  get  into  one  lone- 
some little  car,  that  groaned  with  only 
twenty-five  aboard,  but  they  all  got 
on  somehow  or  somewhere,  and  the 
rest  of  the  ride  we  wiggled  up  and 
down,  in  and  out,  around  corners  and 
across  squeaking  little  bridges,  that 
looked  like  they'd  go  down  for  a 
cent  and  a  half,  and  all  the  time 
everybody  was  "oh-ing"  and  "ah- 
ing"  and  no  wonder. 

Say  Bill,  if  you  ever  get  to  Cali- 
fornia, dont  miss  this  trip.  They 
67 


A    TENDERFOOT 

skin  you  on  the  price  of  it,  all  right, 
but  its  the  most  satisfying  "skinning" 
I've  had  since  I  came  out  here. 

Be  sure  and  take  your  mother-in- 
law  along,  Bill,  and  halfway  up  that 
incline,  if  there's  anything  on  earth 
you  want,  ask  her  for  it,  while  you 
are  hanging  onto  the  side  of  the 
mountain  at  an  angle  of  65  degrees. 

You'll  get  it  all  right,  if  she's  got 
wind  enough  left  to  say,  "  Yep ! " 


THEATERS 


CHAPTER   VIII 


OS    ANGELES 

has  a  lot  of  thea- 
ters all  the  way  from  5  cents 
to   $2.50    a  seat.      I    took   in 
more  of  the  5  cent  kind  than 
the  $2.50  variety. 

There  are  two  Opera  Houses  in 
town,  one  on  Main  Street  and  one 
on  Broadway,  and  you  get  a  good  deal 
more  for  your  money  at  the  Main 
Street  show,  than  at  the  other. 

I   blew    myself  just  once  for   the 
71 


A    TENDERFOOT 

$2.50  a  seat  kind,  and  how  they 
could  have  the  nerve  to  charge  it  for 
what  was  handed  out  that  night,  is 
more  than  I  can  tell. 

The  only  thing  I  remember,  worth 
remembering  at  that  Broadway  Opera 
House,  were  two  white  cardboard 
signs  3x5  feet,  one  on  each  side  of 
the  house,  where  everybody  up  stairs, 
down  stairs  and  in  the  "lady's 
chamber"  could  read  them,  saying, 

NOTICE 

DONT    SPIT    ON    THESE    FLOORS 

They  say  they  are  great  spitters, 
these  Californians — mebbe  they  are, 
I  dont  know. 

They  also  have  little  metal  boxes 
on  the  back  of  each  seat,  and  by  put- 
72 


A    TENDERFOOT 

ting  in  a  dime,  out  pops  a  box  of  candy 
— mebbe ! 

By  gum,  I  played  that  machine  in 
front  of  me,  three  times — thirty  cents 
— and  nothing  happened.  So  I  tried 
the  next  one,  and  got  a  box  of  choc- 
olates, that,  honest,  Bill,  if  one  of  'em 
hit  you,  it  would  knock  you  down. 

They  had  been  there,  well,  some 
fellar  said,  since  the  Opera  House  was 
built.  I  dont  know.  I  gave  them 
to  a  kid  in  front  of  me  that  had  the 
"wiggles"  and  they  kept  him  busy 
the  rest  of  the  show. 

They  say  a  Los  Angeles  man  will 
sell  everything  he  owns  if  he  can  get 
his  price  for  it,  and  b'gosh,  I  be- 
lieve it. 

Yes  sir,  everything  he  owns,  ex- 
cept his  wife,  and  between  you  and 

73 


A    TENDERFOOT 

me,  Bill,  many  a  poor  hen  pecked 
man  looks  over  the  exchange  column 
to  find  some  other  fellar,  who  like 
himself,  is  ready  and  anxious  to  make 
a  trade  in  that  line,  on  any  old  terms 
to  suit. 

Los  Angeles  is  a  great  town  for 
"swaps." 

The  papers  every  Sunday  are  full 
of  'em. 

They'll  swap  anything  from  a  half 
worn  out  tooth  brush  or  a  moth  eaten 
angora  cat,  to  a  ten  acre  orange  grove 
with  a  nine  thousand  dollar  mortgage 
on  it,  and  some  of  'em  would  sell 
the  shirt  on  their  back,  if  they  could 
make  a  profit  on  it. 

You  know,  Bill,  I  believe  you 
could  even  make  a  good  trade  on  your 
mother-in-law  out  here — nothing 

74 


A    TENDERFOOT 

like  trying,  better  bring  her  along, 
and  trade  her  for  a  good  setting  of 
Rhode  Island  Reds. 

Of  course  that  might  seem  awful 
cheap  for  her,  but  old  hens  aint 
worth  much  out  here — market  is 
overstocked,  and  besides,  Californians 
aint  looking  for  trouble. 


75 


THROUGH   TOURISTS'    GLASSES 


CHAPTER    IX 


HEARD  two 

tenderfeet  talk- 
ing on  the  way  up  town  from 
the  depot  the  other  day. 

At  almost  every  street 
corner  in  Los  Angeles,  you'll  find 
little  tamale  wagons  standing. 

One  fellar  saw  the  sign,  "  Tamales  " 
and  asked  the  other  one  what  they 
were. 

"Oh,  they're  a  kind  of  bird  they 
have  out  here,"  he  said,  looking  very 

79 


A    TENDERFOOT 

wise — and  to  the  conductor  as  he 
passed  through  the  car,  said  "We 
want  to  get  off  at  Fig  —  Fig- 

Fig-" 

"Figueroa  Street,"  jerked  out  the 
conductor,  and  the  tourist  nodded 
wearily,  as  he  grunted  something 
about  "the  damned  dago  names  out 
here,  anyway." 

Speaking  of  street  cars,  Bill,  I've 
got  to  give  Los  Angeles  the  whole 
palm  tree  for  having  the  finest  street 
car  service  in  the  country. 

There  are  more  cars,  going  in  more 
directions,  than  you  can  imagine,  and 
they  also  have  more  home  made  rules, 
than  any  street  car  company  in  the 
country. 

When  tourists  come  to  town  they 
sit  up  and  take  notice  of  the  wonder- 
So 


A    TENDERFOOT 

ful  breed  of  street  car  conductors  Los 
Angeles  is  blessed  (?)  with. 

If  you  should  forget  to  ask  for  a 
transfer  the  minute  you  drop  a  nickel 
into  the  dirtiest  paw  you  ever  saw  on 
a  man,  then  you've  paid  your  way 
into  the  circus,  and  the  fun  begins. 

If  the  passenger  happens  to  be  a 
big  fellar,  and  could  without  any  ef- 
fort knock  the  smart  conductor  down, 
he'll  only  get  a  hard  look  and  his 
transfer — if  its  a  little  fellar,  that 
couldn't  lick  a  fly  that  was  stuck  on 
sticky  fly  paper,  he'll  shrivel  him  up 
to  the  size  of  a  peanut  in  just  about 
two  seconds. 

If  its  a  woman,  and  a  fat  and  sassy 
one,  he'll  kinder  back  off  and  tell  her 
to  ask  for  her  transfer  when  she  pays 
her  fare,  and  all  he'll  get  out  of  it,  is 

81 


A    TENDERFOOT 

"Aw  gwan,  yer  pipe's  out"!  and 
he'll  meekly  hand  out  the  paper. 

But  the  tired  little  woman,  with  a 
lot  of  "cash  and  no  delivery"  gro- 
ceries piled  up  in  her  lap,  who  is 
getting  home  from  work,  and  who 
is  so  done  up,  she  hasnt  got  life 
enough  left  in  her  to  care  whether  a 
man  smokes  in  her  face  or  not — she 
gets  hers  in  bunches,  and  then  some. 

After  he  has  jawed  until  his  tongue 
aches,  and  has  spit  out  everything  he 
has  in  his  mouth,  except  a  big  chew 
of  tobacco,  he  shoves  the  transfer 
under  her  nose,  and  leaves  her  won- 
dering why  the  good  Lord  ever  made 
such  a  thing  and  called  it  "Man." 

The  other  day  I  heard  a  smart  aleck 
say  to  a  woman  passenger,  "  I  dont  re- 
member getting  any  fare  from  you." 
82 


A    TENDERFOOT 

"Dont  you,"  she  snapped  back, 
"  Wall  /  do,  but  I  dont  remember 
seeing  you  ring  it  up  !  " 

He  didnt  have  anything  further 
to  say,  and  went  back  and  knocked 
down  a  few  more  fares. 


83 


HOLLYWOOD   AND    BALDWIN'S 
RANCH 


CHAPTER   X 


OLLYWOOD   is 
another     mighty 
pretty    place  just  out  of  Los 
Angeles. 

Beautiful    homes   and  well 
kept  places  are  plentiful  there. 

Of  course  the  town  has  its  draw- 
backs— all  little  towns  that  are  run  by 
some  of  its  prominent  citizens,  do 
have. 

Say,  Bill,  you  have  to  get  a  pre- 
scription from  the  doctor,  before  you 
87 


A    TENDERFOOT 

can  use  cider  vinegar  on  your  beans, 
in  Hollywood. 

Fact! 

Cant  even  drink  home  made 
"Hires  Root  Beer"  in  your  own 
house  unless  you  ask  a  trustee  about 
it,  and  honest,  he'll  help  you  drink  a 
bottle  of  it,  and  then  haul  you  off  to 
jail  for  treating  him. 

Now  out  at  Lucky  Baldwin's 
Ranch  its  different. 

Everybody  knows  of  Baldwin's 
Ranch  and  the  town  of  Arcadia  he's 
laid  out. 

If  I  was  a  poet,  Bill,  I  could  write 
poetry  about  Baldwin's  Ranch,  but  I 
aint,  so  let  it  go  at  that. 

You  can  drive  for  miles  and  miles 
in  any  direction,  and  they'll  tell  you, 
you  are  still  in  Baldwin's  Ranch. 


A    TENDERFOOT 

They  make  the  finest  apricot 
brandy  out  there,  and  sell  the  best 
beer,  I've  tasted  in  many  a  day. 

You  dont  have  to  get  a  doctor's 
prescription  to  get  a  glass  of  it,  either 
— you  may  need  a  doctor  before 
you've  been  there  very  long,  for 
everything  is  open  house' at  Baldwin's, 
and  its  "eat,  drink  and  be  merry"  in 
Arcadia. 

He's  got  a  race  track,  called  Santa 
Anita  Park,  thats  worth  travelling 
some  to  see.  Its  big  and  broad  in 
every  way,  just  as  everything  else  is 
the  old  man  has  a  hand  in. 

I  believe  the  view  from  that  grand 
stand  cant  be  beaten  on  earth,  and  it 
must  tickle  the  old  fellar  to  look 
over  it  and  say  "  Its  all  mine." 

They  say  it  was  the  dream  of  his 
89 


A    TENDERFOOT 

life  to  have  the  finest  race  track  in  the 
country,  and  his  dream  sure  has  come 
true. 

Yep,  I  won  instead  of  lost,  the  day 
I  went  out  to  see  the  ponies  run— 
mebbe  things  out  there  wouldnt  have 
looked  so  fine  to  me,  if  I  had  come 
home  busted. 


90 


CALIFORNIA   YARNS 


CHAPTER    XI 


IOU    know,    Bill, 
California  has  the 
name  of  being  the  home  of 
the  biggest  liars  on  earth,  but 

Wf3g£\  iff.  °6 

that  dont  mean  the  "  birth- 
place "  of  'em,  b'gosh. 

When  you  come  to  think  of  it, 
most  of  the  people  out  here  came 
from  the  East  and  they  are  the  ones 
that  are  doing  the  lying,  not  the 
natives. 

Old  Sam  Watkins,  who  used  to  be 

93 


A    TENDERFOOT 

a  deacon  in  the  church  back  home, 
and  led  all  the  prayer  meetings,  and 
took  up  the  collections — he's  been 
out  here  for  five  years,  and  by  gum, 
of  all  the  liars  I've  run  across  in 
California,  he  takes  the  whole 
bakery. 

He  told  me  more  double-back- 
action  lies  in  five  minutes,  than  you 
could  count  on  both  hands,  and  feet, 
too,  and  sir,  he  never  turned  a  hair 
doing  it. 

When  he  told  me  about  "  oysters 
growing  on  trees"  out  here,  some- 
where, I  had  to  say,  "  Why,  Samuel ! 
How  can  you  lie  so! " 

He  says  its  a  fact ! 

Mebbe  it  is — I  dont  know. 

He  also  told  me  of  a  fellar  out  here, 
who  planted  some  pumkin  seeds,  and 

94 


A    TENDERFOOT 

by  gum,  before  he  could  get  up  off 
his  knees,  and  run,  the  vines  came  up 
and  choked  him  to  death. 

Well,  now  you  know,  Bill,  when  a 
deacon  of  a  church,  tells  you  such 
fairy  tales  as  that,  you  can  imagine 
what  an  every  day  citizen  of  Los 
Angeles  can  fire  at  you. 

He  told  me  one  more. 

Once  when  they  had  a  thunder 
storm  out  here,  the  lightening  struck 
a  mother  hen,  with  eight  little  chicks 
under  her,  and  killed  every  blamed 
one  of  Jem,  but  never  hurt  the  old 
hen  a  bit. 

By  gum,  now  I  come  to  think  of 
it,  I'll  bet  a  doughnut,  that  was  the 
very  old  hen  I  had  served  to  me  one 
day,  out  at  Casa  Verdugo,  for  a  spring 
chicken.  Casa  Verdugo  is  a  mighty 

95 


A    TENDERFOOT 

swell  Spanish  resturant,  just  out  side 
of  Los  Angeles. 

No-sir-ree,  thunder  and  lightening 
wouldnt  have  any  effect  on  that  hen, 
for  I  tried  every  thing  from  a  pocket 
knife  to  a  saw,  I  tipped  the  waiter 
for,  and  then  couldnt  see  where  I 
had  made  any  headway,  even  on  the 
white  meat. 

After  I'd  sweat  so  you  could  wring 
out  my  undershirt,  I  gave  up,  and 
ordered  some  tamales. 

I  got  'em,  and  they  were  bully 
but  only  those  who  have  eaten  "  hot 
tamales,"  at  Casa  Verdugo,  will  un- 
derstand and  marvel  how  I  could  have 
lived  to  tell  the  tale,  when  I  say  I 
ate  six  of  'em,  before  I  threw  up  my 
hands  and  told  the  waiter  to  turn  on 
the  hose. 

96 


A    TENDERFOOT 

If  the  place  that  never  freezes  over, 
is  any  hotter  than  those  tamales  were, 
I'm  going  to  travel  the  "straight  and 
narrow  path/'  mighty  carefully  the 
rest  of  my  days. 

I  aint  going  to  take  any  chances — 
no-sir-ree. 

I'll  send  one  home  for  your 
mother-in-law,  Bill.  Put  in  a  little 
extra  cayenne  pepper,  and  a  dash  of 
Tobasco  sauce, — as  the  cook  books 
say — then  take  a  trip  out  of  town  for 
a  few  days,  until  the  hot  spell  blows 
over. 

One  of  'em  ought  to  bring  on  paral- 
ysis of  the  tongue — still — I  know 
you've  tried  everything,  and  nothing 
seems  to  work,  in  her  case. 


97 


BARGAIN  SALES 


CHAPTER   XII 


*    •  i  '.     »  1  >    '    ' 


OS    ANGELES 

the     greatest 

town  for  bargain  sales.  One 
store  or  another,  has  'em  every 
day  out  here. 
I  got  into  the  middle  of  a  stocking 
sale  once,  and  when  I  got  out,  and 
took  account  of  stock,  I  didnt  have 
all  the  clothes  on  I  started  in  with, 
but  I  had  two  pairs  of  women's  polka 
dotted  stockings  wound  around  my 
neck,  and  another  pair  in  my  pocket. 


101 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Its  a  wonder  I  wasnt  arrested  for 
shop-lifting. 

I  never  saw  such  actions  in  all  my 
life,  Bill.  Women,  big  and  little, 
grabbed  and  pulled  and  hauled,  and 
grunted  and  groaned,  and  seesawed 
back  and  forth,  each  one  trying  to 
spend  some  poor  devil-of-a-husbands' 
hard  earned  dollars,  while  he  was 
racing  around  town  trying  to  "  do  " 
some  other  poor  devil,  to  make  both 
ends  meet.  Mebbe  the  hat  he  wore 
was  last  years  and  his  shoes  were  out 
at  the  sides,  and  run  down  at  the 
heels,  but  his  wife  was  a  close  buyer 
and  would,  no  doubt,  bring  him  home 
a  pair  of  light  green  socks,  embroid- 
ered in  yellow  polka  dots. 

In  the  scramble,  one  woman  got 
hold  of  a  single  stocking,  and  another 

102 


A    TENDERFOOT 

woman  side  of  her,  got  hold  of  the 
mate  to  it,  and  a  few  jerks  pulled 
them  apart. 

And  do  you  think  either  woman 
would  give  up  her  stocking  ? 

Not  much ! 

The  clerk  called  the  floor  walker 
and  he  called  the  manager,  but  there 
was  nothing  doing.  One  of  'em  said 
"  she  wouldnt  let  that  piefaced  female 
have  that  stocking  if  they  called  the 
police." 

So  they  each  paid  for  one  stocking 
and  kept  it. 

One  woman  bought  seventeen  pairs. 

"A  woman  cant  have  too  many 
pairs  of  stockings,"  I  heard  her  say. 
"This  nasty  yellow  pair,  I'll  save 
until  next  Christmas  and  give  'em  to 
Mrs.  Brown,  to  pay  her  for  that  old 
103 


A    TENDERFOOT 

ten  cent  handkerchief  she  sent  me  last 
Christmas." 

Think  of  it,  Bill — seventeen  pairs 
of  stockings  these  hard  times — I'm 
glad  I  aint  married,  b'gosh. 

The  Angel  City  has  plenty  of 
mighty  fine  stores,  barring  a  few 
whose  bargain  sales  (in  big  red  letters) 
are  carried  on  midway  a  dinky  little 
entrance  door,  where  customers  have 
to  crowd  and  push  their  way  through 
a  bunch  of  half  baked  females  buying 
real  lace  at  2  cents  a  yard. 

For  a  solid  half  hour,  these  women 
will  stand,  first  on  one  foot  and  then 
on  the  other,  hanging  onto  their  bar- 
gain like  a  bull  pup  to  an  unwelcome 
pair  of  pants,  waiting  for  a  not  over 
bright,  gum  chewing  girl,  who  is 
frantically  trying  to  add  up  nine  times 
104 


A    TENDERFOOT 

two,  while  she  chews  off  the  end  of 
her  lead  pencil,  and  lifts  her  rat  up  an 
inch  or  two  higher  at  the  same  time. 

Oh,  I  tell  you  Bill,  its  all  very  well 
to  make  fun  of  women  going  to  bar- 
gain sales.  If  they  do  get  a  bargain, 
by  gum,  they  earn  it. 

Just  one  genuine  bargain  sale  would 
lay  out  any  strong  man  in  about  thirty 
seconds,  and  yet  a  frail  and  delicate 
woman,  who  cant  possibly  do  her 
own  housework,  will  get  up  before 
daylight  so  she  can  be  down  to  the 
stores  before  the  doors  open,  and  for 
two  mortal  hours,  she'll  push  and 
shove  and  squirm  her  way  through  a 
barricade  of  bargain  crazy  females, 
the  sight  of  which  would  turn  back 
a  crowd  of  husky  football  players 
any  day. 

105 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Packed  in  like  sardines,  around  a 
2x4  table,  grandmothers  and  grand- 
children, wedged  in  three  and  four 
deep,  are  panting  and  struggling,  as 
they  blindly  push  an  arm  through  a 
small  opening  and  grab  hold  of  any- 
thing they  can  reach  on  the  table. 

Whatever  they  grab,  they  hold 
onto,  for  fear  they  wont  get  hold  of 
anything  else. 

And  when  they  get  it  home,  and 
come  to  their  senses,  they  wonder 
what  in  thunder  they  bought  it  for, 
anyway.  The  poor  over  worked 
husband  uses  a  stronger  word  than 
"thunder,"  but  her  word  means  just 
as  much  to  her,  Bill,  and  its  more 
ladylike. 

And  for  a  free  sample  of  "Zee- 
Nut"  she  will  charge  to  the  front  of 

106 


A    TENDERFOOT 

an  army  of  wild-eyed  females,  who 
like  herself  cant  see  a  sign  with  the 
word  "Free"  on  it  without  stopping. 

You  never  saw  a  woman  get  three 
feet  beyond  a  "Free"  sign,  Bill, 
without  turning  around  and  going 
back,  to  ask,  "What  is?" 

No-sir-ree. 

Its  just  as  impossible  for  her  to  do 
it,  as  it  is  for  her  to  rub  her  eye, 
without  opening  her  mouth  at  the 
same  time. 

They  have  to  do  it. 

Zee-Nut  is  a  Los  Angeles  produc- 
tion, and  only  one  of  the  many  good 
things  she  has  a  right  to  swell  up 
over.  Its  a  mixture  of  popcorn, 
cocoanut  and  honey,  and  will  shut  up 
a  snarling  kid,  and  take  the  kinks  out 
of  a  mean  disposition,  at  the  first  bite. 
107 


A    TENDERFOOT 

True,  I  broke  a  tooth  off  once, 
eating  some  of  it,  but  a  "  Didnt  hurt 
a  bit,"  dentist,  whose  smiling  face  I'd 
know  if  I  met  it  in  a  custard  pie,  in 
a  "come-back"  resturant — dug  out 
the  roots  for  me,  and  didnt  hurt  a  bit 
— mebbe ! 

Once  when  I  felt  he  had  gone 
down  about  three  feet,  and  was  still 
going,  I  asked  him  if  he  thought  he 
was  boring  for  oil,  or  just  digging 
post  holes. 

That  fellar  ought  to  strike  oil  some 
day,  for  he  certainly  wasnt  afraid  of 
work. 

I'll  bet,  Bill,  if  he  ever  finds  a 
fellar  with  a  big  enough  mouth,  he'll 
get  into  it  with  a  pick  and  shovel  and 
locate  some  mining  claims  before  he 
quits. 

108 


ARROWHEAD    HOT   SPRINGS 


CHAPTER   XIII 


RROWHEAD 
Hot    Springs    is 
another  place  I  visited. 

Its  a  beautiful  spot — aint 
P?.  no  place  up  there  to  spend 
your  money,  except  to  give  it  to  the 
landlord,  and  anyone  else  standing 
around.  Funny — the  hotel  folder 
reads,  "No  tips  allowed.  Any  em- 
ployee accepting  same  will  be  fired." 
But  they  were  all  fire  proof,  I  found. 
No,  there  aint  much  excitement 


in 


A    TENDERFOOT 

up  there.  Its  a  fine  place  to  sleep, 
Bill,  if  they'd  let  you.  But  they 
wake  you  up  before  daylight  with 
ding-dong  bells,  like  they  do  at  some 
Sparring  place  in  Europe,  when  you'd 
give  your  old  hat  to  sleep  until  noon, 
and  shorten  up  the  day  a  little.  If 
you  follow  the  doctors  orders,  you 
must  go  down  before  breakfast  and 
drink  from  the  babbling  brook.  That 
water  certainly  does  babble,  all  right. 
In  fact,  it  talks  right  out  loud.  And 
it  spells  "Bad  Eggs"  very  plainly 
even  if  you  was  blind  and  couldnt 
read. 

By  gum,  Bill,  you  have  to  hold 
your  nose  to  get  any  where  near  the 
dipper. 

The  water  is  scalding  hot,  and  they 
said  you  could  boil  an  egg  in  it. 


112 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Some  one  certainly  must  have  cor- 
nered a  whole  hen  yard  once  and 
dumped  hen  fruit  in  by  the  car  load. 

Of  course  they  didnt,  Bill,  but  I'm 
only  trying  to  give  you  a  faint  idea 
of  how  bad  that  water  smells. 

The  Arrowhead  itself  is  worth 
going  miles  to  see,  and  some  day  the 
hotel  people  will  make  every  tourist 
that  arrives  put  on  blinders  and  charge 
'em  two  bits  for  a  view  of  it. 


113 


SOME    THINGS    I    BOUGHT    IN 
LOS    ANGELES 


CHAPTER   XIV 


BOUGHT  a  set 
of  monkey  trip- 
lets   in   a   Japanese   store   for 
two  bits. 

Two  bits,  Bill,  is  Califor- 
nese  for  twenty-five  cents. 

I  got  bit  on  'em,  too,  for  they  sold 
'em  as  low  as  five  cents  a  set,  later  in 
the  season,  and  at  last  gave  5em  away 
with  a  package  of  Japanese  incense. 

Now,  Japanese  incense,  Bill,  is   a 
lot  of  stuff  pressed  together  hard,  like 
117 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Spratts  Dog  Biscuits,  only  in  smaller 
doses,  thank  goodness,  and  it  is  sup- 
posed to  smell  mighty  fine  when  you 
burn  it,  but  suffering  Peter — a  pile  of 
rubbish  burning  in  a  Westlake  alley, 
is  a  bunch  of  violets  compared  to  it. 

Glue,  old  rubber  boots,  out  of  date 
eggs,  last  years  hamburger  and  over 
ripe  limburger — all  these  and  a  few 
more,  were  never  in  their  most 
"smelly"  days,  guilty  of  "acting 
up,"  like  real  Japanese  incense  burn- 
ing. 

These  little  monkeys  I  bought, 
come  in  all  sizes,  from  the  little  baby 
monks,  to  the  old  grandaddies.  They 
all  sit  up  in  a  row,  three  of  'em,  and 
one  has  his  hands  over  his  ears,  the 
second  covering  his  eyes,  and  the 
third  has  his  hands  over  his  mouth. 

118 


A    TENDERFOOT 

I  say  "his,"  Bill,  because  they 
must  certainly  be  boy  monkeys — a 
girl  monkey,  would  never  live  long 
enough  to  have  her  first  picture  made, 
if  she  had  to  close  her  mouth,  and 
her  ears,  and  her  eyes.  You  know 
that  yourself,  Bill. 

I  asked  the  grinning  Jap,  I  bought 
"em  of,  what  they  were  up  to.  All 
I  could  get  out  of  him  was,  that  they 
were  the  "three  wise  monkeys,"  and 
meant,  "  I  hear  no  evil,  see  no  evil, 
and  speak  no  evil." 

Mebbe  they  dont — I  dont  know. 

I  also  bought  a  flea  scratcher,  at  the 
same  store. 

Never  heard  of  one,  did  you  ? 

Waal,  they  are  little  carved  ivory 
hands  about  as  big  as  a  half  dollar, 
with  the  fingers  drawn  up,  ready  for 
119 


A    TENDERFOOT 

business.  They  are  on  the  end  of  a 
long  stick,  and  the  trick  is,  to  slide  it 
up  and  down  between  the  shoulder 
blades,  and  along  your  back  bone, 
turning  the  gentleman  over  before  he 
has  bored  a  hole  clean  through  you. 
They  tell  you  in  Los  Angeles,  that  the 
people  down  in  San  Diego  couldn't 
live  without  'em. 

They  are  fashionable  down  there, 
and  I  heard  that  some  of  the  society 
leaders  gave  "scratcher"  parties,  the 
most  graceful  handler  of  the  scratcher, 
winning  the  prize. 

When  you  are  in  San  Diego,  they'll 
tell  you  this  same  story  on  Los  An- 
geles. 

With  the  exception  of  San  Fran- 
cisco, San  Diego  and  Los  Angeles 
love  each  other  more  than  any  two 

120 


A    TENDERFOOT 

towns  I've  run  across.  Cant  say 
enough  about  each  other,  while  San 
Francisco  and  Los  Angeles  love  so 
strongly,  they  could  eat  each  other 
up. 

Speaking  of  fleas,  you  know,  Bill, 
there  are  some  people  in  this  world 
who  are  so  blamed  mean,  a  flea 
wouldnt  bite  'em. 

I  met  the  meanest  man  in  Cali- 
fornia the  other  day,  and  if  I  ever  set 
eyes  on  him  again,  I'll  bust  him  up 
in  business,  buying  arnica  and  court 
plaster. 

That  man  told  me  the  very  first 
chance  I  got,  to  pick  a  ripe  olive  and 
eat  it. 

I  did. 

All  I've  got  to  say  is,  if  ever  I  lay 
my  hands  on  that  critter,  it  will  take 

121 


A    TENDERFOOT 

him  longer  to  close  his  face  than  it 
did  me,  after  I  ate  one  of  'em. 

There  are  some  things  in  this  world 
that  seem  to  stick  right  in  your  throat, 
no  matter  how  much  you  swallow 
over  'em  and  I'll  bet,  I'll  never  be 
able  to  get  the  taste  of  that  olive,  be- 
low my  wind-pipe.  I'll  send  a  couple 
of  'em  home,  Bill, — give  'em  to  your 
mother-in-law,  and  tell  her  to  put  'em 
both  in  her  mouth  at  once — that  they 
have  to  be  eaten  in  pairs,  and  if  she 
lives  through  it,  and  still  believes  in 
you,  she'll  stand  by  you  till  your 
money  gives  out. 


122 


JUST    DREAMING 


CHAPTER   XV 


ILL,  didnt    some 
fellar  ask  another 
once,  "what  was  more 
rare  than  a  day  in  June  ? " 

If  he'd  asked  me,  I'd  told 
him,  "a  winter  in  Los  Angeles." 

If  there's  any  place  nearer  Heaven 
on  this  earth,  than  a  sunny  winter  day 
in  Southern  California,  when  as  far 
as  you  can  see,  the  grass  is  like  a  great 
green  rug,  and  flowers  of  every  color 
and  kind,  are  in  bloom — when  you 
125 


A    TENDERFOOT 

can  take  your  back  home  papers  out 
under  a  big  oak  tree  and  lie  down  and 
read  of  some  poor  devil  freezing  to 
death,  in  a  down-east  blizzard — if 
there's  any  place,  Bill,  that  can  hold 
a  candle  to  it  on  this  earth,  or  any 
other,  yours  truly  dont  want  to  know 
of  it. 

Like  the  little  fellar  from  Pasadena, 
this  is  good  enough  for  your  Uncle 
Eben. 

If  you  didnt  have  a  calendar  in 
your  vest  pocket,  and  didnt  see  a 
newspaper  every  day,  you'd  forget 
what  month  it  is  out  here. 

To-day  is  the  9th  of  March,  and 
its  so  hot,  Bill,  that  if  I  was  a  dog, 
my  tongue  would  be  hanging  out, 
and  you  could  hear  me  pant  clear 
across  the  street. 

126 


A    TENDERFOOT 

There's  a  little  spot  near  Los  An- 
geles called  Oneonta  Park,  named  by 
the  big  fellar  Huntington  and  owned 
by  him,  too.  His  home  place  is 
called  Oneonta,  back  in  York  state, 
and  he  gave  this  beauty  spot  the  same 
name. 

If  the  good  people  back  in  the 
original  Oneonta  could  wake  up  some 
warm  sunny  morning  in  midwinter, 
and  find  themselves  in  the  midst  of 
roses  and  orange  blossoms  stretching 
out  as  far  as  they  can  see,  instead  of 
ice  and  snow,  likewise  stretching  out 
further  than  they  wish  they  could  see 
— they  would  wonder  why  Hunting- 
ton  didnt  call  it  Paradise  for  want  of 
a  better  name,  for  it  must  have  made 
him  think  of  home — its  so  different, 
Bill. 

127 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Wonder  where  the  fellar  was  lo- 
cated, that  wrote  the  song  called, 
"  Listen  to  the  Nightingale."  He 
wouldnt  had  to  worked  so  hard,  if 
he'd  been  sitting  here  under  this  old 
oak  tree  with  me.  He  would  have 
had  to  put  on  the  brakes,  to  keep 
from  writing  too  many  verses,  for  he 
couldnt  have  told  it  all  in  one  or  two. 

Now,  I'd  kinder  like  to  write  a 
song  called,  "Listen  to  the  Turtle 
Doves,"  for  there  are  twenty  of  'em 
in  the  branches  over  my  head,  hold- 
ing a  concert  with  the  same  number 
of  mocking  birds,  and  I'll  bet  my 
bottom  dollar,  I  could  kill  enough 
quail — if  I  was  mean  enough — within 
a  hundred  feet  of  me,  to  be  arrested 
for  having  too  many  in  my  possession. 

These  quail  are  so  tame,  Bill,  they 
128 


A    TENDERFOOT 

seem  more  like  pigeons  out  in    the 
barn-yard  back  home. 

This  aint  no  lie. 

You  know  yourself,  I  aint  been 
out  here  long  enough  to  get  this  ever- 
lasting lying  desease  in  my  system, 
and  I'm  willing  to  sit  on  top  of  a 
whole  Bible  factory  and  say  what 
I've  written  is  the  truth,  the  whole 
truth  and  nothing  but.  I  may  be 
getting  a  little  daffy  on  California, 
Bill,  but  there  are  two  things  I  havn't 
got  yet — bitten  by  a  tarantula  or 
acclimated. 

From  some  half  baked  farmers  back 
home,  who  came  to  see  me,  when 
they  heard  I  was  going  "clear  way 
out  to  Californy,"  I  expected  to  be 
dodging  tarantulas  the  biggest  part  of 
the  time. 

129 


A    TENDERFOOT 

One  of  'em  heard  they  crawled 
into  bed  with  you  —  another  that 
you'd  find  'em  in  your  boots  in  the 
morning  and  that  if  you  didnt  shake 
your  boots  hard  before  you  put  'em 
on  they'd  bite  your  big  toe  and  you'd 
have  to  have  your  toe  cut  off,  or  turn 
'em  up  for  good  and  all. 

The  first  night,  when  the  fleas  got 
after  me,  I  thought  of  old  Slim 
Peters,  and  remembered  he  said  to 
take  my  jack  knife  and  cut  the  toe 
off,  just  as  soon  as  I  felt  the  sting. 

But  when  I  started  to  get  it,  I 
remembered  again,  I  traded  it  to  an 
Indian  on  the  way  out  to  California 
for  a  string  of  glass  beads  and  that 
was  the  only  thing,  I  guess,  that 
saved  my  toe. 

I  havent  seen  a  tarantula  yet,  Bill, 
130 


A    TENDERFOOT 

hard  as  I've  hunted — only  stuffed 
ones  in  the  stores.  But  I'm  still 
hunting,  for  I've  made  up  my  mind 
to  find  one  or  bust,  and  I'll  send  it 
home  to  Slim  Peters,  C.  O.  D.,  when 
I  do. 

The  natives  tell  you  it  takes  a  year 
to  get  acclimated — that  means,  Bill, 
getting  the  "back  East"  out  of  you, 
and  the  "  California"  into  you.  This 
has  to  happen  to  every  one  that  stays 
here,  just  as  the  mumps  and  the 
measles  are  bound  to  come  to  every 
youngster,  before  he's  been  on  earth 
very  long. 

There  are  so  many  things  to  make 
you  wish  you  was  young  again,  out 
here.  When  I  was  a  young  fellar 
and  took  the  girls  home  from  prayer 
meetings  and  quilting  parties,  I  re- 


A    TENDERFOOT 

member  I  used  to  think  I  was  a 
pretty  gay  boy  with  the  girls  and  I 
kinder  "took"  with  'em,  cutting  out 
many  a  "steady"  in  those  days,  and  I 
used  to  think  the  whole  secret  of  it 
laid  in  my  carrying  the  girls  boquets 
of  Canterberry  Bells  and  Sweet 
Williams. 

That's  the  only  kind  of  posies 
there  was  in  the  old  garden  at  home, 
but  what  a  wonderful  chance  a  fellar 
in  California  has,  to  court  a  girl ! 

Flowers  are  dirt  cheap  everywhere, 
and  Bill,  its  good  for  sore  eyes  to  get 
a  squint  at  the  baskets  of  flowers  you 
can  see  any  day  on  the  street  corners 
of  Los  Angeles. 

Carnations,  all  colors,  for  ten  cents 
a  dozen — think  of  it,  and  this  in  mid- 
winter, when  back  home  you  folks 
132 


A    TENDERFOOT 

are  wading  through  snow  up  to  your 
suspender  buttons,  and  blowing  your 
stiff  old  fingers  until  your  wind  gives 
out. 

And  they  grow  out  of  doors,  acres 
of  'em,  and  in  the  sweet  pea  fields, 
they  mow  'em  down  for  market  in- 
stead of  cutting  'em.  Life  is  too 
short  to  count  'em  —  one  —  two- 
three ;  there  are  millions  of  'em  and 
violets — you  just  never  saw  such  a 
sight ! 

Solid  banks  of  these  purple  blos- 
soms are  tucked  into  vacant  spaces, 
up  against  the  buildings,  everywhere 
throughout  the  business  district,  and 
only  five  cents  for  a  generous  bunch, 
while  each  blossom  is  as  big  as  a 
quarter,  and  has  a  stem  on  it  a  quarter 
of  a  yard  long. 

133 


A    TENDERFOOT 

You  neednt  snicker,  Bill,  at  what 
I've  just  said,  for  it's  the  truth,  cross 
my  heart.  I  know  what  I  said  about 
the  biggest  liars  coming  from  back 
East,  but  you  know  me,  Bill,  and  you 
know  I've  never  lied  to  you  yet,  ex- 
cepting on  that  horse  trade  last  sum- 
mer. These  baskets  of  flowers  on 
the  street  corners  in  the  middle  of 
winter,  are  the  biggest  boost  to  the 
Angel  City  it  could  possibly  have. 
They  speak  louder  to  "the  stranger 
within  the  gates,"  than  all  the  printed 
stuff  the  Chamber  of  Commerce 
could  hand  out  in  a  year. 

Nothing  but  sunshine  and  balmy 
air  can  bring  forth  such  glorious 
flowers  in  mid- winter,  and  the  stranger 
jots  these  beautiful  sights  down  in  his 
memory,  and  they  live  and  are  talked 
134 


A    TENDERFOOT 

of  for  years  after,  when  about  every- 
thing else  he  saw  in  California,  is 
forgotten.  And  all  the  children  and 
grandchildren  for  years  to  come  will 
pull  up  to  the  big  fire  place,  heaped 
high  with  blazing  logs — when  the 
blinds  on  the  old  home  back  East, 
are  creaking  and  rattling,  and  the 
unlatched  barn  door  slams  bangs  as 
the  fury  of  a  real  down  east  blizzard 
strikes  it — they'll  all  creep  up,  and 
pulling  their  chairs  a  little  nearer,  sit 
and  listen  and  listen,  never  tiring  of 
hearing  some  member  of  the  family, 
who  once  went  "  way  out  to  Califor- 
nia," tell  the  wonderful  fairy  tales 
(that  are  true)  of  this  land  of  dreams. 


135 


CATALINA    ISLAND 


CHAPTER   XVI 


ATALINA  Island 
ought  to  be  called 
the    "Island    of    Beautiful 
Dreams." 

"  Catalina  "  dont  do  it  jus- 
tice. But  I  bet  a  cookie  whoever 
named  it  took  their  first  trip  over  to 
the  island  on  a  rough  day,  and  didnt 
feel  very  flowery. 

Catalina  is  an  island  out  at  sea- 
way  out  —  and   between    it   and  the 
mainland,   there   are   more   kinds  of 
139 


A    TENDERFOOT 

tides  and  currents  and  swells,  than 
from  here  to  Europe. 

It  only  takes  two  hours  to  make 
you  feel  that  life  aint  so  much  after 
all,  and  you'd  just  as  soon  quit  now 
as  any  old  time. 

Some  fellar  told  me  not  to  miss  the 
trip,  so  I  took  it,  and  I  didnt  miss 
anything  but  home  and  mother  all 
the  way  over  and  back. 

Oh,  my  !  Oh,  my  !  Bill,  you've  seen 
how  a  cork  on  the  end  of  a  fishline 
bobs  around  when  a  big  wave  strikes 
it,  aint  you?  Well,  that  tug-boat  I 
went  over  in,  had  a  cork  beaten  to 
death. 

It  acted  more  like  a  bucking  bron- 
cho than  anything  I've  seen  before  or 
since. 

It  bucked  sideways,  and  humped 
140 


A    TENDERFOOT 

up  in  the  middle,  and  kicked  from  all 
four  corners  at  the  same  time. 

I  dont  remember  much  about  the 
beautiful  view,  and  I  havn't  much  to 
write  about  the  "Grand  old  ocean" 
but  I  can  truthfully  say  I  parted  with 
everything  I  had  eaten  in  the  last 
three  years. 

I  laid  down  and  threw  up,  and  I 
stood  up  and  threw  down,  until  the 
elastic  in  my  suspenders  refused  to 
work  any  longer,  and  I  crawled  under 
a  settee  and  hoped  some  one  would 
take  pity  on  me,  and  knock  me  in 
the  head. 

There  are  times  in  a  man's  life 
when  he  has  had  enough,  and  had  it 
rubbed  in,  too.  I  got  mine  on  that 
galloping  tug-boat,  and  I'll  bet  there 
are  some  of  those  passengers  I  went 
141 


A    TENDERFOOT 

over  with,  who  are  over  there  yet, 
afraid  to  try  it  again.  They'd  rather 
buy  a  lot  and  build,  than  to  come 
back  home. 

I'd  'a  been  there  yet  if  I  hadnt 
found  a  feller  with  a  hypodermic 
syringe,  and  gave  him  a  couple  of 
dollars  to  make  me  forget  my  troubles, 
and  steer  me  to  my  room  when  I 
landed  in  Los  Angeles. 

On  the  boat  going  over,  was  a  bride 
and  groom.  The  bride  looked  very 
pretty  as  she  tripped  lightly  down  the 
gang-plank,  and  came  aboard  at  San 
Pedro.  But  when  we  reached  Cata- 
lina  Island,  I  managed  to  pull  the 
corner  of  one  eye  open  long  enough 
to  get  my  bearings,  and  I  saw  the 
bride  again — all  that  was  left  of  her. 
Her  beautiful  curly  locks  were  sewed 
142 


A    TENDERFOOT 

on  a  piece  of  tape,  and  had  worked 
out  from  under  her  own  thin  hair— 
her  rats  were  shifted  until  they  lopped 
over  her  right  ear — she  had  lost  most 
of  her  "dear  little  puffs,"  in  the 
bucket  on  the  boat,  and  a  little  velvet 
bow  was  swinging,  in  the  breeze,  on 
the  end  of  a  few  loose  hairs.  She 
was  white  as  a  sheet,  and  the  two 
rosy  spots  on  her  cheeks — warranted 
not  to  fade  when  she  bought  it  at  the 
department  store — made  her  face  look 
like  a  Chinese  lantern. 

The  weak  kneed  groom  half  car- 
ried her  through  the  crowd  of  gaping 
summer  visitors,  who  line  up  on  both 
sides  of  the  wharf  at  Catalina  just  to 
guy  the  poor  seasick  things  that  crawl 
off  the  boats.  They  guyed  us  all  and 
had  all  the  fun  they  wanted  to,  with 
143 


A    TENDERFOOT 

us — none  of  us  cared,  by  gum,  if 
they'd  sicked  a  dog  on  us.  One  fellar 
hollered  at  me,  "  Hey,  fatty,  go  back 
and  get  your  hat,"  but  as  I  had  used 
my  hat  when  I  was  in  a  hurry,  before 
I  could  find  one  of  those  blamed 
buckets,  I  didnt  stop  to  answer  back., 


144 


HOMESICK 


CHAPTER   XVII 


ALIFORNIA    is 

called    the    land 
of  flowers,  and  the  first  fellar 
that  called  it  so,  was  no  liar. 
He  must  have  been  a  native 
— a    truthful    man,    and    likewise    a 
"Booster."     You  never  heard  a  na 
tive  knock  California — no — sir — ree. 
They're  always  a  boosting,  and  crow- 
ing,   and    swelling    out    like    pouter 
pigeons,  as  soon  as  they  begin  to  see 
us  sit  up  and  take  notice. 
147 


A    TENDERFOOT 

Huh  !  dont  they  love  to  see  our 
eyes  stick  out,  and  our  mouths  come 
open,  while  we  gap  at  some  of  the 
glories  of  California — the  land  of 
sunshine — the  land  of  gold. 

And  when  we  get  homesick  and 
say  "Good  bye,  we're  going  home/' 
they  only  laugh  at  us — and  Bill,  its  a 
kinder  mean  laugh,  too — and  they'll 
say  "  Oh,  you'll  come  back,  they  all 
do.  I'll  give  you  just  six  months  at 
the  most,  and  I'll  bet  you'll  come 
back  with  all  your  relations,  and  stay 
next  time  for  good." 

So  they  slap  you  on  the  back,  and 
give  you  a  mighty  warm  handshake 
and  say, 

"  Good  by,  pardner,  tell  all  the 
good  folks  back  there  to  come  out 
to  God's  country,  and  be  glad  they're 


A    TENDERFOOT 

living.  Tell  'em  they've  only  got 
one  life  to  live,  and  they're  going 
through  for  the  last  time.  Tell  'em 
if  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  had  landed 
on  the  Pacific  coast  instead  of  the 
Atlantic,  little  old  New  York  wouldn't 
be  on  the  map." 

And  I'll  be  hanged,  Bill,  before 
you  know  it,  you're  so  darned  home- 
sick you'd  give  your  old  trunk  if  you 
hadnt  bought  your  ticket  East. 

You  dont  want  to  go  home — you 
want  to  stay  ! 

And  when  the  train  pulls  out  for 
back  east,  and  you're  on  it,  b'gosh, 
there's  something  inside  of  you  that 
begins  to  swell  up  like  a  sponge,  as 
you  look  out  of  the  car  window  and 
see  the  flowers  and  orange  groves  slip- 
ping by. 

149 


A    TENDERFOOT 

You  are  only  beginning  to  realize 
you  are  leaving  it  all,  and  may  never 
come  back  again. 

Sure,  Bill,  a  man's  a  fool  to  cry, 
but  I'd  'a  dropped  a  few  tears  if  I 
hadn't  blown  'em  out  through  my 
nose. 

And  let  me  add,  Bill,  as  I  am  tak- 
ing one  last  look  out  of  the  car  win- 
dow, at  the  fast  disappearing,  familiar 
sights  I  have  learned  to  love,  like  a 
native  born — let  me  add,  God  never 
fashioned  another  such  wondrous 
spot,  on  the  entire  surface  of  this  old 
earth. 

There  is  only  one  real  land  of  sun- 
shine and  its  out  here  where  the  sun 
goes  down. 

THE    END. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
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MAY  20  1947 


JAN  12  1953  LU 


REC'D  LD 

MAY  9    1961 


LD  21-100m-12,'46(A2012sl6)4120 


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